Nurturing the Inner Artist

Hi friends,

It’s been awhile. 

Currently I am sitting here in my apartment freshly showered and body buttered up. Two candles are burning on the coffee table next to a bouquet of fresh flowers. They are orange and red, with eucalyptus for greenery. Color theory, you know? (If you do not, opposite colors on the color wheel make each other appear more vibrant.) “Wild is the Wind” by Nina Simone is playing softly. It is one of my favorites.  

This is the first time I’ve been able to sit still for a while. Thoughts must be funneled into their productive outlet, school then painting then book club then cooking dinner. Tonight, I rebelled. 

The reading I need to do will get done (or something) tomorrow, but tonight I am taking for me. 

Earlier today in my modernism class we were talking about reality, or rather the lack thereof. It gets very existential. We read a section of Jean Baudrillard’s Simulacra and Simulation, in which reality is said to be completely lost, and now in the postmodern world we live in is a simulation of a simulation of what was once real. I am probably not doing it justice, but the point is it was a depressing way to start my morning. 

What kind of world do we live in that hope is silliness, naivety? Having some delight in the color of the sky or the song of a bird is outside of what is “real”, and the only thing that is real is that which makes money. Capital! (I recently read Marx, also for class. I don’t want to become a capital-producing machine. I am just a girl!) 

Thinking about the job-search is daunting, especially because my general “I’ll see what happens” attitude does not offer any sense of certainty. But that is just how things happen for me! I don’t know what else to say. There is of course a bit of action on my part, but most of it is simply being open and getting out into the world. Things happen, somehow.

As an emerging artist, getting out into the world is a current challenge. Instagram seems very straightforward, and yet it is dangerously easy to get sucked into the black hole of distraction and comparison. 

Talking to people who once I connected with in our artist desires is not quite the same now. For many of them, “real world” issues (understandably) took priority.

I am coming to realize more and more the fight of an artist. The resilience needed, the self-belief, the stubbornness…the willingness to stay true to the internal voice, the one that calls a person to their work. Artwork, when created as an expression of self, is one of the most vulnerable and intimate things one can do. I have heard too many stories of people shutting down this precious part of themselves because of the harsh criticism of another. 

The judgment hurts. It feels personal. I am all too familiar. When I have been judged in one way or another, even by a friend or professor intending to be helpful, the first thing that goes through my mind is this: “My art is the visual representation of my internal world, the deepest elements of myself. If someone does not like it, then I am terrible and a failure.” 

A bit dramatic, maybe. And not true. 

This line of thinking ignores the practical aspects of figuring out one’s art form. It takes time. It takes revision. It takes learning techniques, honing oneself to the art, to beauty. It does not come out perfect the first time. Making mistakes is part of the process.

I once drove two hours to show a gallery owner a painting just for him to say “I’ll pass”. And yet, I tried. I had the opportunity. There will be plenty more. I live and I learn (with many tears involved). 

With that, I’ll leave you with a quote from The War of Art: Winning the Inner Creative Battle by Steven Pressfield:

“If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), "Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?" chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.” 

Thank you for tuning into the The Artist’s Journal! More soon. If you found anything interesting in this newsletter send me a reply, I’d love to hear it.

xoxoxo Anna

P.S. While these are my own thoughts as a painter, these concepts do not exclusively apply to artists. They apply to anyone attempting to do anything they feel meaningful, even if it doesn’t make sense quite yet.